mother

I guess this is a continuation from my last post. It seems this blog is a bit of a dumping ground for my thoughts and worries, which I guess is good. I’m minimising all the stuff i don’t want to think about by letting go of it here. Well, trying to anyway.

2 weekends ago I went with a friend to do a mountain trail run, near where my mother lives. As we drove along the highway we went past the house she had bought, built and owned with her ex- scumbag (i refuse to call that shit of a human a partner). I only realised as we came to it that it was her old place, and as I glanced quickly and pointed it out, I saw my Mum’s car there. WTF?!

At the end of last year they had split, badly after he had gotten so drunk she had locked him out of the house. In retaliation, he took an axe to the front door. Naturally I was overjoyed at this turn of events because FINALLY she had left him. It then dragged out into a battle involving lawyers and a restraining order because the arsehat had never let my Mum have her name on the house deed and swore he owed her nothing.

Anyhow, she cut off communication after some very crap settlement was made (or so it seemed, i’m pretty sure she was lying) but he kept on contacting her and eventually she was talking about him again, and saying how she’d go over there and water “her plants” etc etc. Again, WTF?!!!

Then last week she calls me up with some “news”. I’d been pondering calling her an asking about the car being there, but to be honest, I really didn’t want to hear her explanation. I just want / ed this shit to not be happening.

Me: “Hi Mum, how are you?”

Mum: “I have something to tell you.”

My heart plummets. I know what she’s going to say even as she says it.

Mum: “I’ve moved back in with the scumbag. I couldn’t afford to live on my own, so I made the best decision I could make and chose financial security.”

She may not have said those EXACT words. But she did say “financial security”. Who the fuck lives with someone because they’re too scared to suck it up and live within their own means and fucking take care of themselves?!

I am horrified, saddened, pissed off and a multitude of other feelings that I can’t verbalise.

I told her I didn’t think I wanted to see her anymore, that we definitely wouldn’t be visiting her and she wouldn’t get to see her grandchild grow up. Her response? “Well that is your decision to make, but this is the best thing for me.”

This entire conversation lasted about 10 minutes, with most of it me saying “You have no reception, I can’t hear you.” Which just added to the clusterfuckery of it all.

So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see her, and by apathy support her shitty life decisions. I also don’t want to say “I don’t want to see you unless you are sick and dying or have left that arsehat”, in case it’s the last thing I ever say to her, and last xmas being the last time I ever saw her.

Parents are awful. My mother especially. It’s just constant drama. Its too much. I just want quiet, and happy and love and enjoyment. Not one horrible event after another until we die. Not complaint after complaint after complaint, can’t anything ever just be good? Just be fine? Just be easy?

I’m pretty sure my mother would have a whinge just about going to the shops.

I used to love my Mum so much, and now I think I kind of hate her.